Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
