anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
