the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
