it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
