sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
