dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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