if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
