How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
