Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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