you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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