After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
