His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
