Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
