I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
