did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
