is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
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I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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