I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
