Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
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So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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