My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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