We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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