and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
pray to the hookup gods
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