cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
