I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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