When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
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i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
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I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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