god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
