Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
