Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
