Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
