thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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