You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
