Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
