Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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