Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
