note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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