mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize