how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
