I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
