So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
