I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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