when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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