I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
