mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My ATM looks so different sober.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
