i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
