In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
