I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
