All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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