If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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