Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I can text with my tongue
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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