i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
