this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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