Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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