Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
