she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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