My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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