She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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