does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
