I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
