so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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