Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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