Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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