My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
