Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
