Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
