John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
